Area Man Collection
Area bartender not really good with names
Lance Plaquemine of Germantown, MD freely admits that he is not all good with names---and especially poor at remembering the names of his customers.
"It's weird," says Plaquemine, while setting up his bar for the happy hour rush. "I mean, I'm perplexed. Like, this dude here . . He comes in every day like right around now and fucks around on his phone and eventually orders a Cutty Sark Rob Roy on the rocks, which is gross as shit, and sometimes will get like a side of fries or something and pays using the same busted-up lookin' Bank of America card and tips like 20% on the dot, which is fine, and he's been doing this for like a hundred thousand years and I cannot for the life of me remember what his fucking name is. I'm pretty sure it's something lame like John or Chris or Mike--or Mark, maybe? I think it actually might be Mark--but I don't fucking know. Actually, before you leave, when we're like done doing this interview, go over and introduce yourself and when he tells you what his name is, try to remember what it is and let me know, cool?"
Plaquemine has been bartending at Gringos & Gaijins, a popular eatery in the newly fashionable DC neighborhood of Parkbrook Heights, off and on for about three years now.
“And this chick here," says Plaquemine, indicating a young woman sitting down at the bar. "You watch, she's gonna ask me if I have an iPhone charger and I'm gonna say, No, lady, all I have is the charger I use for my Samsung and that's it, and then she's gonna order a Rockabilly Burger, medium well, with a caesar salad instead of fries, no croutons, dressing on side, and stupid soda water with two slices of lime and light ice and I cannot at all fucking remember what her fucking name is. Julia, maybe? Or Julie? I don't fucking know."
Could Plaquemine simply ask what their names are?
"No way," he says, caressing the counter with his wet rag. "Way past the point of no return. That server over there, for example . . He's been working here like basically as long as I have, and I have no fucking idea what his name is. When he rings his drinks in, it comes up here on a little ticket but it just says Sol and, I mean, that could be short for fucking anything."
Soloman, perhaps?
“I don’t fuckin’ know,” says Plaquemine.
~~~
Area man cannot fucking believe no one got his Short Circuit joke
Justin Billings of Rockville, MD cannot fucking believe that none of the other customers at a local Baja Fresh got his Short Circuit joke.
"I'm not gonna lie, I'm disappointed," says a dejected looking Billings. "Real disappointed."
What happened?
"Well, what do you think happened?" says an indignant Billings. "The little chica rang me up and gave me my ticket and I'm like standing there waiting for my nacho burrito mojado along with everybody else and I notice on my ticket that I'm Number Five and so when they're like, 'Number five? Number five?', I'm like, "NO DISASSEMBLE! NO DISASSEMBLE NUMBER FIVE!" and all of a sudden everyone's looking at me like I squirted diarrhea outta my face." Billings grimaces in obvious despair. "It was a real brutal experience, I ain't gonna lie."
Perhaps none of the other customers had ever seen Short Circuit? Or maybe they have not seen it in a very long time?
"How can anyone not have seen Short Circuit? I mean, I've probably seen it thirty times just on accident," says Billings. "In the month of February alone!"
Baja Fresh employee Katrina Hernandez was the cashier who rang Billings up for his nacho burrito mojado. "Yeah, this white dude comes in around noon, seems all normal or whatever, orders his food, pays with his credit card, all quiet, you know, and then when we give him his order, he's all of sudden like, "JOHNNY FIVE IS ALIVE! NO DISASSEMBLE! NO DISASSEMBLE NUMBER FIVE!" and, I don't know, it was weird as fuck," says Hernandez. "To be honest, I just thought he was a little, you know, touched by the angels."
Short Circuit is a 1986 sci-fi comedy starring Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy. The film's plot is centered around an experimental military robot that is struck by lightning and gains a humanlike intelligence, with which it embarks to explore its surroundings. Nobody nowhere aside from Steve Guttenberg and Steve Guttenberg's mom and Justin Billings has seen it since the late nineteen eighties.
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