On Litter and Littering

Okay, sure, littering sucks, but, man, sometimes you just gotta.

Here are a few 100% acceptable ways to go about littering:

~ Passive littering, where you “leave” your litter on the top of your car or cab or whatever and simply drive off. If you’re on foot, gently place the litter on your shoulder or atop your head and walk off. Whatever happens next is beyond the realm of your control.

~ Throw your litter up in a tree or in a thick bush. Litter only counts if it touches the ground.

~ Dress the litter up so it doesn’t look like litter. Get artsy with it.

~ Turn your litter into a statement. You’re not littering, you’re proclaiming, “Hey, man, I wouldn’t have to fuckin’ litter if there were more fuckin’ garbage cans around here. What the hell are you guys doing with my tax money?”

~ Littering doesn’t count if your litter is biodegradable—but technically everything was stardust and will end up being stardust again. Your empty box of Hot Tamales is ultimately just as ephemeral as bee spit, echinacea leaves, and banana peels.

~ The brazen litter, where you litter so brazenly and openly that people are like, “Well, I guess that’s protocol here. You just toss whatever wherever and it’s totally cool.”

~ Sometimes the universe demands that you litter. Any cursory trek to any food court in basically any mall in the galaxy will reveal an astonishing number of garbage cans that say NO GARBAGE. This is the universe texting you a little thumbs up emoji.

Thanks for reading—and I hope this helps.