Data Science Fiction (notes & observations)
According to physicist/futurologist Michio Kaku, a *Type III* civilization is one where its inhabitants just sort of can intuitively figure out where out where the restroom, an inhabitant of a *Type II* civilization can breezily locate the restroom with a little guidance from their server or the hostess, whereas an inhabitant of *Type I* has to ask their server, the hostess, then the kitchen manager, both busboys, the valet, a whole fleet of chorus girls, the Coke machine, and still end up in the middle of the koi pond. We are a Type I civilization.
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". . . And David Duchovny is in it but he's totally in drag and Ben Horne thinks he's General Lee and reenacts the Civil War in his office and fucking Billy Zane is there for some stupid fucking reason and then Josie gets turned into a goddamn NOB on a like chest-of-drawers or something and Cooper's still in it but he's all like Gap'd out in flannel and khakis and a poofy vest . . ."
Season 2 of Twin Peaks is basically the dream you have if you binge Season 1 and then snort a whole Red Baron Deep Dish Pizza.
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Schopenhauer says false modesty is just a form of hypocrisy and l agree, which is why I enthusiastically proclaim l've eaten more crab rangoons than you've even dreamt about.
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I would never ride in a time machine for fear it'd break down in that slice of the nineties when 10,000 Maniacs ruled the airwaves.
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Saxony, 1850
“Last name first, first name last."
“Nietzsche, Friedrich."
“Shit, boy, how you spell that?"
*pulls out smart phone; Googles himself*
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No one's ever gotten a Monte Cristo or Reuben or whatever and looked at their plate and go, "Welp, there it is. There's that pickle everyone's always carrying on about."
The average American spends over a hundred thousand hours every single year troubleshooting with pickles---pickles whose real estate could easily be taken up by an Oreo or Twizzler or plastic army man or something.
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I drink ten thousand beers a week but here I am worrying if eating a red apple and green apple in the same day will explode me into six pieces.
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Sonic Youth did some shit back in the day that today’s bands wouldn’t ever ever think of doing, like naming their band 'Sonic Youth.”
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Breaking news: All I really ever wanted in life was a Lakers Girl, a red convertible Le Baron, Ed Furlongs haircut in T2, and some of those pills Gary Oldman takes all throughout The Professional
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We'll never really know if there are elves in Iceland until we capture and interrogate every gnome, faerie, troll, and water spirit in the country.
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What a drag it'd be to get a Ouija board and actually contact a spirit and that the spirit was just a goddamn awful speller.
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Every time someone says "Friyay!", an angel gets held underwater for 90 seconds.
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How long til international outlaw motorcycle club the Hell's Angels are officially sponsored by Under Armour?
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There is only one truly dependable axiom in this universe and it is this: if you give someone ranch, they will ask you for blue cheese, and if you give someone blue cheese, they will ask you for ranch. (Same applies to grape jelly and strawberry jelly.)
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On the Kentucky Derby: Race horses are the prissiest bunch of psychopaths on the planet. They should have a side bet---which horse will freak the fuck out and start biting itself and yelling about Dick Cheney & the CIA right out of the gate.
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“I did not get my Spaghetti-O's. I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."
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