Planet Earth to rebrand as Easy Does It

Planet Earth, the third planet from the Sun and the only known corner of the universe that can reflect on itself, is set to rebrand as Easy Does It by early 2023.

“We’re all very excited,” says Earth CEO Dex Chimney. “And we believe that potential customers, as well as our existing customers, of course, will share the same enthusiasm.”

Chimney, who heads the committee responsible for the rebranding, believes the new moniker Easy Does It is in tune with the recent market trends and the current consumers’ affection for establishments with cutesy, data-driven names that derive from low-hanging expressions and idioms such as Yours Truly, Loves Me Not, Mercy Me, Call Your Mother, No Kisses, Compliments Only, and Two in the Bush.

Will everyone embrace the change? Earth has been called Earth for a very, very long time.

“As much as we’d like to please all 8 billion bags-of-bones on this huge flamin’ ball of mud, we know that it’s just not realistic,” says Chimney. “Some customers are going to cling to the old moniker, and that’s just fine. Ultimately, they are entitled to call Easy Does It whatever they like, but I will say there will be no official name per se other than Easy Does It. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little benign discord to conjure up a little chatter on the internet.”

Why the need for a rebranding?

“It’s no secret that our planet had been steadily losing foot traffic,” Chimney says. “Downloads of the app were down, you’d see less buzz in all spheres of social media, be it GramaSpurt or Snitchster or Spaceface, there was considerably less action on Postblips and Boofdish….  I mean, the numbers don’t lie, and one could blame the economy, which is more fickle than ever, or the proliferation of options that customers now have, or the Covid19 pandemic, which, of course, was a huge challenge… But, whatever the case, after a careful examination of the data that our committee has collected, we decided to go ahead do it. Now or never, I say, which funnily enough, was actually one of the initial cutesy, data-driven expressions we thought might be useful in the rebrand before ultimately deciding on Easy Does It.” Chimney, who has been the planet’s CEO since 2018, goes on to say that the planet’s former name made sense at the time, but things can become stagnant, and sometimes a rebranding is necessary to communicate to the customer the fact that, not only are you still there, but you’re more vital than ever.

Will competitors follow suit? Are we to expect Mars and Venus to become Bend Over Backwards and Close But No Cigar?

Chimney chortles and says, “Look, what those other guys do is none of my concern. All I know is Easy Does It will be set to go by the spring of next year, and you can expect a full line of Easy Does It merchandise. T-shirts, jackets, trucker hats, visors, coffee mugs, patches, lapel pins, you name it! In fact, our preorders are through the roof and some of the items are already in danger of selling out. I encourage customers to download the Easy Does It app, if they haven’t already, open that sucker up, click on that little merch tab, put their accountability in zip-lock bag and toss it into a muddy river, and just buy-buy-buy ‘til their creepy little heart’s sated.”

What about the Moon?

“Oh, the Moon is staying the Moon, don’t worry,” says Chimney. “But we are installing 14.6 million square miles of faux boxwood flora panels—fake grass, you know—as well as conducting a largescale remodel of what used to be the Moon’s food court. We expect the new roll-out, which will be sort of a gathering place, culinary hub, and event space all rolled into one, and heavily featuring local merchants and local DJs, to take place by summer of 2023.”

The increasingly excited Chimney dreamily adds, “Oh, and the, uh, logos for both joints are changing. Easy Does It will be rendered in an adult cursive medley of electric pink, camembert yellow, and babyshit blue, while the Moon will be a QR code with a little moon under it.”